If you know you disregarded your partner’s feelings, say it. It doesn’t cost you much thought or consideration, and no one likes cheap gifts. Most of us can see how others wronged us, and in turn, we struggle to see how we made things worse. The apology example above clearly talks about the behavior.

You maybe can't fix what you broke, but you can build new things to rebalance the equation. Some things are hard to lay out flat and look at even 20 years later, but I'm taking this email as the push to do just that.

There are two roads that could have lead you to this point.

Required fields are marked *. Maybe you stop listening. Talk to someone. It's still not fantastic to have those ugly pieces of my history there, as it likely won't be for you, but I no longer measure my worth against them. Here is how I did that.”. I'm sure more than a few of us do.

My pain grew to push itself into other people's lives. A good dance only works when both people willingly participate. I ended up furthering the fracture between me and my family and pushing away a lot of friends.

When you start small, you’ll find it’s easy to find the next step. At first, despite a thousand tries, I can still react to the untruth that it is all her fault and she needs to make amends with me. It was only then that I started to figure out what the real ongoing damage was to my life: I had lost faith in myself, and, to an extent, it was still missing. They can sometimes grow to tip the scale a bit, but they are not all that you are, and time allows you to tip that scale back.

They do not define me, as yours do not truly define you, even now.

In any dance, there is always two people. You can be more mindful of what you are choosing and why. This part is the hardest.

Here is how I made things worse. The pain of this situation is an invitation to growth and renewal. Regardless of outcome, the above actions are good practices for any relationship, whether or not there is a betrayal. The music and the dance stopped because you wanted to blame the whole thing on your spouse, your friend, someone else. I have learned a few things, though, Grace, and I am hoping that they can be of help in some way. It took me well over 15 years to figure some of this stuff out and learn to live my life with power and while owning my integrity — I'm still learning this, and I think I will always be learning this — so I am thrilled that you reached out to talk about it, to express that you're in need while you struggle. Maybe you said something hurtful. You chose those things on purpose, and, whether for good or for bad, you still have that agency now.